


why steve rogers hates the government, among other reasons

by tony_stank616



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Asshole OC - Freeform, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, Everyone Gets A Hug, Everyone Needs A Hug, F/M, Fluff, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, Loki is a Good Bro, Lots of Angst, M/M, Natasha Romanov Needs a Hug, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Protective Avengers, Self Harm Scars, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, The Author Regrets Everything, Wanda Maximoff Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-08
Updated: 2019-04-15
Packaged: 2019-10-06 10:56:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17344031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tony_stank616/pseuds/tony_stank616
Summary: “Oh. My. God. This is the one.”“Natasha, c’mon, we are not sending the picture of the one and only time you have ever gotten me drunk. This is why I have trust issues.”“I call for a vote! Raise your hand if you want this picture.”Everyone but Steve raised their hands."Well fuck you all."





	1. blanket burritos cure all problems(for the time being)

**Author's Note:**

> READ BEFORE STARTING- there will be references, mentions, and descriptions of self harm/depression in this fic. if this could potentially trigger anyone, please stop here, and don't read further. Read tags!
> 
> also, i swear guys this was supposed to be a cute, fluffy fic. somehow, that didn't happen, so i'm taking this out of the cousin alexei series, and making it a stand alone(still in same universe tho, just different part of the timeline). I'll update that series next week at some point, and make sure it's super fluffy, to make up for this one

“Oh. My. God. This is the one.”

“Natasha, c’mon, we are not sending the picture of the one and only time you have ever gotten me drunk. This is why I have trust issues.”

“Loosen up Steve. It was just some of Thor’s Asgardian liquor.”

“I personally think we should do it.”

“Bucky!” Steve elbowed him in the ribs.

“I call for a vote! Raise your hand if you want this picture.”

Everyone but Steve raised their hands.

“Fuck you guys.” Steve put his head on his arms.

“Language cap!”

“Great, we’re sending these out tomorrow. FRIDAY, can you have them printed and addressed by tonight?”

“Sure boss.”

“I hate you all.”

“We love you too Stevie.”

 

“YOU DID WHAT?”

“Pepper, calm down there’s nothing we can do they’re already sent out.”

“This is why we should stop just printing our signatures on! You all do something stupid like this and I have to deal with the consequences!”

“Pepper it’s just one picture, how bad can it be?”

“Do you understand? This could destroy the avenger’s image! We’ve just bounced back from the public seeing you drunk flying over the city, we can’t have drunk Captain America all over the country! Steve, why didn’t you make them change it?!”

“Well…”

“What he’s trying to say is we made him do it, leave out the captain.”

“Tony I will kill you.”

“A creeping sense of dread overtakes me Pep. I’ll keep it in mind.”

“You better.”

 

“Holy shit.”

“Clint, get out of the vents and actually tell us this time.”

“The Secretary is actually here. He’s at the front of the compound.”

“No fucking way.”

“Tones, you may want to go get them.”

“Them? Stephen, tell me you don’t mean there’s multiple.”

“Oh yes. Pepper’s on her way too.”

“Oh fuck no, I’m gonna get killed.”

“Yep.”

“Boss, should I let them in?”

“Yeah, thanks Fri.”

“Of course.”

“Is everyone in the kitchen or living room?”

“Yeah.” 

“Cool. Clint, make your way over there, me and Stephen will walk, and we’ll let the Secretary find his way.”

“Nice.”

“Not a bad idea at all.”

“Just go.”

 

“AVENGERS!”

“Oh god,” Wanda murmured to Vision. “He’s even worse in person.” Louder, she said, “Bucky, get your accent ready.”

“Already done.” Steve slipped his hand into Bucky’s, who then leaned back onto his chest.

“Ready?”

“Not at all. Let’s do this.”

 

“You must hand over the Winter Soldier!”

“I think not. Last we heard of him was when we were in Sokovia. Calm down sir.”

“Stark, I will not calm down! That man right there is the Winter Soldier, and he deserves to die! He murdered John F. Kennedy, he killed your parents Stark! Hand him over to me and he will get what he deserves, the death penalty. This criminal does not deserve to live!”

The entire room went silent. Natasha clenched and unclenched her fists, Sam’s finger was inches away from pressing the button to call on his wings. Stephen and Rhodey had both hands on Tony’s shoulders and arms, preventing him from getting up and attacking the Secretary, or calling his suit. Wanda and Vision’s eyes began to glow, and a red aura spread around her hands. Bruce started to take deep breaths, but the tinge of green in his eyes and skin refused to leave, betraying his emotions. Peter, from his place next to Tony, called up his slingers, subtly setting his webs to TASER. Clint picked up his bow, plucking at the string, while glaring. Thor and Loki joined Vision and Wanda in their displays of power, and electricity crackled up and down Thor’s arms, while Loki’s hands began to glow green, and his eyes turned red, indicating true anger, since he almost never let the glamor slip. Scott pulled out a razor sharp disk, that in addition to being able to cut someone, could shrink them so far down, they would enter the quantum realm, and started flicking it up and down. Hope pulled out an identical disk, but this one cut, shrunk, and tasered. Pepper’s hand hovered above her bracelet, which could call her suit, which Tony had built for her a few months ago, after terrorists had almost captured her. 

 

The Secretary flinched backwards, at the display of power and anger in the room. The secret service agents that had came with him began to move into the room, and grabbed his arms. They pulled the Secretary out of the room, correctly assessing that if he had stayed, yes, someone would end up dead, but it wouldn’t be Bucky Barnes.  
Once the Secretary was gone, all eyes turned to Bucky and Steve. Bucky got up, and started running, out of the room, and down the stairs.

“Oh shit.”

“Loki get back here, you cannot go kill someone, people have just started liking you again.”

“But brother…”

“You can’t either Wanda!”

“But Vis…”

“I’m going.” Steve stood up. “Please try not to kill him, at least not until I’m back.”

“So murder is an option?”

“Loki, at least try not to sound so excited.”

“Nat no!”

“Clint, I was only going to maim him a bit.”

“Stephen, put the shields away.”

“What shields, I see no shields.”

“Away.”

“Fine.”

“Pepper, can you try?”

“I’ll make sure they don’t kill anyone until you get back, Steve.”

“Thanks.” Steve shot her a grateful look, and ran down the stairs following the way Bucky had gone a minute before.

Steve ran to the first landing, and sighed. There was no way to tell which way Bucky had gone. 

“FRIDAY, can you do a scan of the building and locate Bucky Barnes?”

“I’m afraid I can’t.”

“What?’

“I’m sorry sir.”

“Shit shit shit.” Steve looked around, and on the railing, was a trail of scrunched up metal, like someone with a metal hand had been by.

“Okay Buck, I’m gonna find you.”

Following the metal, Steve went down three more flights of stairs, through two hallways, and arrived in the corner of the compound that he and Bucky shared. Stopping to listen, he flinched. The unmistakable sound of a gun being cocked echoed.

“Nononono Bucky.” Tearing through the rooms, he found him, curled up in one of the empty walk in closets that were part of a random guest room. Bucky had the gun ready to shoot, turning it over and over in his hands.

“Bucky-” Steve’s voice broke off, and he choked, when Bucky lifted his face up. It was a mess of tears and pain, and oh god, is that blood?  
Steve dropped down next to him, yanked the gun out of his hands, and pulled Bucky over, wrapping his arms around his shoulders, inadvertently shifting up Bucky’s sleeves.

A map of thin scars ran up and down his arm, some old and white, and some bleeding like they were brand-new. 

Steve reached out, and Bucky hissed, pulling his sleeve back down.

“What happened?”

“I deserve to die. Just why can’t you let me die! I can’t even do that right!” Bucky began to scratch at the cuts on his arm, making them worse, blood started running down his forearms, tearing open angry red scabs. Steve grabbed his hands, and pulled them away from his arms.

 

In the security room, everyone was watching what was going on. Tony was yelling at FRIDAY, trying to figure out why she couldn’t tell Steve where Bucky was. Clint was holding Natasha, whispering in her ear. She was especially sensitive, she knew what it was like to not know who you are, to be the monster. It was, surprisingly, Loki who was affected the most though, pulling and tugging at his sleeves.

“I’m going.”

“You are not!” Thor tried to grab at his brother’s sleeve, who twisted away, and vanished, only to reappear on screen. 

“I’m going as well.”

“Wanda!” But she disappeared too, in a flash of red, appearing next to Loki, outside the door of the closet.

“Can anyone else teleport?” Tony looked around. “No? Vision, you can drift through walls, and Stephen, I know you can.”

“I will not take any of you there. FRIDAY has put that area on lockdown, and those three can help Bucky.”

“Tony, I won’t either. I agree with Vision, they are the ones who can help.”

“Well, my own creation, and husband are traitors. Fine then, we’ll have to watch. And who the hell let FRIDAY do that?”

“It was in your protocols sir. Specifically, Me Time Protocol.”

“Fuck.”

“Indeed.”

 

“Why are you here?” Loki turned to look at Wanda.

“One could argue, why are you here?”

“I know what it’s like to feel alone, even in a room of people. I know exactly what he’s feeling right now.” Loki waved a hand, and green light shimmered down his form. He was now wearing black jeans and a t-shirt. Turning the inside of his arms towards Wanda, he spoke. 

“I was alone in my family, and this is what came of it. It’s why I never wear short sleeves. I didn’t, couldn’t let anyone know how broken I was.” He sighed. “I didn’t want to hurt Thor either. He may drive me crazy, but he is my brother, and I do care about him. But Bucky should know that he’s not alone, like I was.” Up and down Loki’s forearms were little, thin, raised lines, some faded, others almost healed. Scars.

“I understand.” Wanda let her red magic flow over her, and she was wearing black jeans as well, and a red t-shirt. “I did the same thing, years with Hydra did this to me. I think that none of us are alone as we may think.” Her scars were tallies, one for every day spent with those who hurt her.

“Shall we go in?”

“Now is better than later.”

Loki pushed open the door, and walked in, Wanda right behind him. Bucky looked up, and hissed, pressing himself back into the wall. 

“Bucky, can you hear us?” Loki crouched down next to Steve, and Wanda on the other side of Bucky. Steve glanced over, and drew in a breath, seeing the scars that adorned Loki’s, and glanced sadly at Wanda’s arms. 

“I guess this means I should show mine.”

Loki looked confused, and Wanda smiled sadly. She twisted her fingers, and wisps of red flew away from Steve’s arm, revealing line after line of thin white marks.

“I’ve been hiding them for him. Eliminating the possibility that someone should see them.”

“Oh god, Stevie.” Bucky’s shattered voice drew them out of the spell, and they watched as they reached out, and drew his fingers over the marks. “You don’t deserve this.”

“Neither do you Bucky.”

“Why?” Loki’s voice was soft, softer than he had ever heard it.

“The secretary was right. I deserve to die. Each of these marks, I was trying to just end it, but I couldn’t. I can’t even kill myself right. I should’ve just died when I fell from the train.”

“No. Bucky you shouldn’t have. You deserve to be here.” Wanda’s voice was strong, even as she crumbled. Loki caught her as she wobbled, pulling her against his shoulder.

“What happened?” Bucky pointed at Loki’s scars. “I’m sorry, oh god that sounded awful.”

“No, it’s fine. These are from years of living in Asgard. My father, Odin, hated me, treated my like shit. He hid my true self, that I was a Jotun. The first scars are from finding that out. Everything else, is just that untolerable feeling of being alone in a room full of people. Thor doesn’t, well didn’t even know. I know how hard it is Bucky.” Loki glanced up at the camera, knowing Thor was watching, and heard, and seen everything. 

“Mine are from my time with HYDRA. I was kidnapped, inside their walls, it was torture after torture after torture. Nothing was aimed to be friendly towards the willing volunteers. Everyday, a new mark. It was as much to ground me, to remind me that I was still alive, than to mark each day I was there. I stopped once I was taken out, but it took awhile. Vision was the only one, and Steve, who knew.”

“Stevie?’ Bucky turned his gaze to him. “Why?”

Steve sighed. “It broke me when I woke up from the ice. I thought I was gone when I crashed, I was happy, almost, I was happy that I was going to die. And to know, that everyone that I had known, loved, cared about was dead, or at the brink, it didn’t bode well. And honestly, what was the final thing, what drove me to almost killing myself, was thinking that you were dead, Buck. I had loved you when I was tiny, I loved you when I became like this.” He gestured to his body. “I couldn’t fathom of a world without you. Wanda knew, because I couldn’t let anyone know, I couldn’t let anyone know that Captain America was broken. I didn’t even tell Sam.” 

“Oh god.” Bucky dropped his head to his knees. “I was going to kill myself.” 

Steve put his arms back around him, and Loki gently moved Wanda so she was curled next to Bucky, and then put his arms around Steve, who had buried his face in Bucky’s shoulder, tears slipping gently down his face.

 

“Holy fucking god.” Tony was frozen in his seat, Stephen’s arms around him.

Natasha was crying now, something no one had ever seen. Clint had pulled her into his lap, rocking her gently back and forth, even as he cried, trying to wipe away the tears before they fell. Sam and Rhodey were pacing, Sam’s fists clenching and unclenching. Pepper was frozen from her place by the door, unwilling to move. Scott was staring mutely at the screen, Hope had her hand on his shoulder. Vision had his eyes closed, and his head in his hands, even though he knew what Wanda had been through, it hurt to see his teammates in pain. Bruce was sitting on the floor, Stephen’s cloak around his shoulders, meditating, trying to get the Hulk under control. Peter was next to Tony, his head on his shoulder, trying not to cry, twisting at his slingers. And Thor, Thor was crying. He had slid down the wall, next to Bruce, and put his head between his knees.  
Bruce looked up, finally having gotten the Hulk to back down, and curled next to his boyfriend. “Are you alright?”

“I let him suffer. I didn't help at all. I could’ve helped, maybe we could have avoided New York. But no. I had to let him did this to himself.”

“It wasn't your fault Thor.”

“He felt alone. I let him feel alone. For so long, Bruce.”

“God, I know the feeling.”

“So. FRIDAY, can you disable the fucking lockdown now, or I swear to god I will send you to work in a airport.”

“Done.”

“Thank god. I’m going down, would anyone else like to come? Oh shit, Nat.”

She was crying even harder now, pulling at her sleeves.

“You don’t have too.” Clint put his hand on her arm.

“I-I know. But I do.” She pulled up her sleeves, and there were scars, one for every year spent in the Red Room.

“He can’t ever feel like he’s alone, at least not like that. I’m going too.”

“I will as well.” Natasha shot Clint a grateful glance, and they both stood up.

“I’m going.” Sam walked to the door.

Everyone decided to go, even if it would take a lot out of them. Walking down to Steve and Bucky’s level, they stopped. Tony peeked in the doorway, which Loki saw, and nodded that they could come in. 

Steve, Bucky, Loki, and Wanda had moved from the closet, gotten Bucky cleaned up, and grabbed a ridiculous amount of blankets, and proceeded to bundle Bucky up into a fluffy burrito, plopping him on the couch, and pulling more blankets over themselves, so it was one big pile of fluff on the couch.They all walked in, not saying anything, but letting Bucky know they were there, joining the blanket pile. Vision went next to Wanda, who pressed into his side. Thor went next to Loki, and hugged him, and even while Loki protested, a tear slipped down his cheek, and he curled into Thor, still denying it, even as he pulled more blankets to him. Bruce leaned on the other side of Thor, his head on his shoulder. Tony, Stephen, and Peter flopped down in front of Bucky and Steve, Peter lying across Tony and Stephen’s legs, and Stephen pulling more blankets out of a portal to Tony’s personal closet. Tony grumbled, until Stephen threw a blanket over his head. Hope and Scott sat leaning against each other, next to Thor and Loki. Natasha and Clint lay on the back of the couch, stealing blankets from the unsuspecting people below them. Rhodey lay on the long part of the sectional, and Sam, first whispering in Steve’s ear:  
"We will be discussing this later you ass", then lying down behind Rhodey, and next to Vision and Wanda.

No words were spoken, but it was agreed that there would be a trip to Washington DC tomorrow.


	2. every broken piece

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the secretary gets a bit of a surprise at the office today, and clint falls off the cabinet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long! the midterms were brutal, and so i just finished this now. i'm very sleep deprived, so it may or may not make sense. hopefully it will? enjoy though!

Hope was the first one awake, from the giant pile that had become the avengers. She snuck out, to make a shit load of coffee, getting the impression it would be a very long day. Once the coffee maker beeped, she tiptoed back into the room, and snuggled back into Scott’s chest, who grunted slightly, and fell back asleep.

Bucky was up next, twisting slightly to look at Steve, remembering the events of the day before. There, on his arm, were the old scars, not covered up by Wanda’s magic.

“God Stevie, I’m so sorry,” he whispered, pressing a kiss to Steve’s forehead, before going back to sleep.

Tony, Stephen, and Peter woke up next, Peter reaching blearily up, tapping on Tony’s and Stephen’s faces to see who they were, and going back to sleep. 

“I’m getting coffee, want some?” Tony tried to be as quiet as possible.

“It seems like a coffee day. I’ll come with.” Tony and Stephen stood up, Peter clinging to Tony.

“You are too light kiddo.”

“ ‘s fine. Spider bite. Carry me.”

“Okay then.” They walked to the kitchen, Tony holding Peter with one hand, and pouring coffee with the other.

Natasha woke up to the sound of Tony’s whispered shit. He dropped boiling coffee on his toes, and was dancing around the kitchen, trying to be quiet. She carefully climbed out of the blanket nest she and Clint had made, shaking him awake in the process.

“Clint. Coffee.”

“Mmkay.”

Tony wordlessly offered her a cup, and poured another for Clint, who grabbed it, and climbed up on top of the cabinets, trying to wake up.

It didn’t work.

Clint tried to take a sip of his coffee will fishing around in the cabinet for some food, and lost his balance. With a shout, he fell off the top of the cabinet, landing with a crash on the floor below.

This startled awake those still sleeping, and there was various states of alertness from the room beyond.

Thor sprung up, sending Loki flying, who summoned his knives midair, and landed on the floor, just avoiding stabbing himself in the chest. Bruce went slightly green, before realizing it was fine, and flopped back down on the couch. Steve shot up, jostling Bucky, who clung to his warm supersoldier, refusing to let go. Wanda and Vision’s eyes both started glowing, preparing for the “attack”, until they realized nothing was going on, and sheepishly calmed back down. Sam sat up, looked around, and went off in search of coffee, Rhodey following suit. Hope looked up, jabbed Scott, and went off to find more coffee. 

“It’s all good!” Tony called from the kitchen. “Clint just fell off the cabinet.”

“Did FRIDAY capture it?”

“Of course Colonel Rhodes.”

“Good. I’m gonna want to see this.”

“Guess what everyone!” Tony looked around, made sure everyone was watching, and continued. “We’re going on a field trip today! Who wants to guess where?”

Bruce spoke with a grim certainty. “Washington DC, perchance?”

“Bingo!”

“Tony it’s fine.” Bucky disentangled himself from Steve, and stood up. “You don’t have to-”

“But of course we do. Someone’s got to teach that son of a bitch a lesson, and I think it may have to be us.”

“Are we all going?”

“If anyone doesn't want to go, speak now.” Tony looked at Steve and Bucky.

“I’m fine. I’m going, I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

“Great, then someone call Fury, we should probably let him know.”

“Calling Nick Fury now, boss.”

“What the fuck did you do this time?”

“Nick Fury, always a pleasure.”

“What. Did. You. Do.”

“Nothing! Yet. Can you organize a meeting with the Secretary of Defense? Preferably for today, and say…” Tony looked at his watch. “Three o’clock? That’ll give us time to prepare.”

“For what?”

“Just a message.”

“I’m going to regret this.”

“You’re the best!”

“Fuck off.”

“Thanks Nick.”

“You’re welcome.”

“FRIDAY, end call.”

Tony turned, and faced the assembled group. “It’s like twelve now, everyone meet in the hanger by two, dress to scare this man.”

A chorus of yes’s echoed through the room, and everyone went off to change, and get ready, all choosing to wear their battle outfits.

Steve put on his stealth suit, it was his favorite, and could hold the most weapons, plus his shield. Bucky dressed in black tactical armor, and cleaned out his metal arm. Tony didn’t change, but made sure his suit was in top condition. Stephen just waved a hand, and he was wearing his robes, but a few extra artifacts came with, probably pissing off Wong. Peter used his Iron Spider suit, which could retract into a little button, which he slipped into his pocket. Sam and Rhodey cleaned their suits, and put them in the jet, ready to take off. Wanda used her favorite outfit, and borrowed a few of Nat and Clint’s weapons, who were dressed all in black armor, like Bucky. Vision just let his glamor fall away. Scott and Hope changed into their suits, running around the building, shrinking and growing at will. Thor cleaned Stormbreaker, and Loki practiced spells in the training room, while Bruce convinced the Hulk to come out on call, and preferably not smash anything huge very fast.  
Soon, it reached two, and everyone climbed into one of the larger planes, that could fit all of them. Tony had FRIDAY pilot them, and everyone settled in for the forty five minute ride.

 

“So.” Tony stared at the gathered avengers. “Can we talk about what happened yesterday? I know I’m not the one that usually calls for ‘sharing feelings’, but in this case I think we should.”

All eyes turned to the back of the plane, where Steve, Loki, Natasha, Wanda, and Bucky all generally sat. 

“Yeah.” Bucky spoke up first, the rest nodding in assent. 

“We know you probably heard most of it, but should we explain again?”

“Yes.”

“I’ll go first,” Wanda volunteered. “I’d rather get it over with.” She leaned farther back into Vision, who put his arm around her.

“HYDRA kidnapped me, and Pietro. They forced us into countless genetic experiments, which hurt like fire. It burned, I could literally feel myself changing, becoming some thing, a HYDRA machine. Pietro was no different, I could hear he screaming, all day, and all night. It changed my genes, which is why I can manipulate probability, warp space, and manipulate timelines, if I’m angry enough. Each scar is a tally of how many days I was in that hell. The pain grounded me, and since it was self inflicted, it reminded me I was still there. I haven’t done it for awhile though, and Vision helped me.” He gave a nod to clarify that this was all true. 

“I can go.” Natasha spoke up. “Mine, like Wanda’s, were a tally of days. I was in the Red Room for so long, that reality started to disappear. They gave us knives, encouraged us to practice, so it wasn’t hard. The other Widows, they coped other ways. Drugs, alcohol, and nobody cared to check. I needed the pain to understand that they could not break me. I was Natasha Romanoff, and I would not let myself snap. Probably not the best coping mechanism though. I haven’t done it since Clint rescued me, brought me back to SHIELD. After I was out of that place, it wasn't instant, but I could slowly come back to reality.” Clint put his arms around her shoulders, as she shook slightly, trying, even now, to hold back her emotions like she was trained to do.

Loki sighed, glanced at Thor, and started. “Mine are from all the times I was alone. No good reason, just trying to feel something other than despair, and hopelessness. Odin treated me like shit, and no one seemed to notice how it affected me, not even Frigga. So, I cut. I wanted to feel something, and pain seemed to be what worked. It's not like there was a constant source of joy in my life.” He smiled bitterly.

“Some cuts are still healing.”

“You’d be surprised what loneliness feels like. Being the outcast, singled out, not seen to be suffering. Sometimes this is the only method I can think to turn back to. I understand that I shouldn't, but it's like that voice, in the back of your head, telling you everything wrong with yourself, is always there, drowning out the light.” Thor flinched, and put his head in his hands. 

Loki put his hand on Thor’s arm. “It’s not your fault Thor. You wouldn’t have been able to do anything, even if you knew.”

“We’re going to have to go to group therapy aren’t we.” 

Natasha smiled bitterly. “Oh, most definitely. It's not awful, but seeing the therapist get progessively more shaken as we say each of our problems is always funny.”

“Joy.”

Steve looked at Bucky. “Should I go, or do you want to?”

“Can you? Please?” Bucky pushed himself into Steve’s arms, and put his head on Steve’s shoulder.

“Okay. Well. When I woke up from the ice, I wanted to die. I thought everyone I knew was dead, and almost everyone was. Peggy helped a bit, but everyone, god, everyone was gone. I went numb. Sometimes pain was the only way to know I was alive. When I met Wanda, she saw. She knew. She would cover them up for me, so no one could see anything, no one could know Captain America wasn’t the hero they thought I was. It really did break me when I woke up. I knew I was going, well, guess not, but I thought I was going to die, I was happy that I was. The last time I cut was when I found out Bucky was the Winter Soldier. The thought that he was tortured, made into a brainwashed soldier, hurt even more than when I thought he was dead. I haven’t cut since we brought Bucky back, and honestly, I don’t know if it will happen again. I know what it’s like to function in the grey, and I don’t want to go back, but it could happen again. I just don’t know.”

“Lord help us, but that therapist is going to have a field day. Is everyone okay to keep going?”

“I think we have to.”

“Bucky, are you okay to go?” 

He nodded, and started to speak. “It started when if was first captured by HYDRA. Everything hurt, and they made no effort to make my arm painless. No anesthesia, nothing. Just a bit to bite down on, and my arm and legs strapped down.” He paused, as Steve’s hand tightened in his hair, from where he was twisting the strands. “It’s okay Stevie, the arm that Shuri and Tony made doesn’t hurt.”

“It better not.”

“It doesn’t. I’d tell you. But that’s when I started, just reminding myself that I was there, I was James Barnes, and they couldn’t take me. But then the memory wipes started, and I would stop, but only when I was the Winter Soldier. If a memory came back, it just hurt, so, so much, that I would cut again, I wanted it to stop. I hadn’t done it since I came back, as Bucky Barnes, but when the fucking Secretary came, and said how worthless I was, how I deserved to die, it brought back everything. And I ran. I was scared, and cutting was the only way I could remember, and god, I just wanted to die. The serum I was given wouldn’t let the cuts bleed out, which I guess is a good thing, so Stevie found me. I don’t know if it will ever go away though, it just keeps coming back.”

“I know the feeling.” Tony spoke up from where he sat by Stephen. “I still wake up, almost every night, with a nightmare from Afghanistan. Getting the arc reaction put in again. Watching Yinsen die. Stephen still has to help me through panic attacks, even though it’s, what, twelve years later? It’s going to be hard, but you can live through it.”  
“We’re all fucked up, you know. None of us can technically be counted as ‘mentally whole’, between PTSD, depression, anxiety. You’re not alone.” 

"We all know what it's like to be the monster looking in, just, we care about you all. If you ever, ever, feel like this again, talk to one of us. Plus, I can recommend Thor's hugs, he's like a giant fluff ball when the armor's not on." Bruce spoke from where he was seated on the floor, in a mess of blankets.

“We have arrived at Washington DC. And boss, Mr. Fury has sent along the message.” She played a recording. “‘If you fuckers mess up anything with our relationship with the federal government, I will personally feed you to Pepper.’”

“He has no trust.”

“Rightfully so,” Stephen countered. “Lets go mess up our relationship with the government!”

"Clint, you are way too excited."

"Yeah, well, the Secretary's going to have a heart attack, so don't deny you aren't too. Serves him right."

"Fine."

 

“We have an appointment? With the Secretary of Defense?” The woman at the desk, Susan, Natasha noticed, visibly blanched at the sight of the avengers.

“Yes, yes of course. Right this way please.” She lead them down a long hallway, and into a large, spacious office. The Secretary was sitting behind the desk, reading papers. 

“Who is it?”

“The-The avengers sir.” He looked up sharply.

“You may go.”

“Thank you sir.” Susan left the room, and the avengers advanced on the suddenly cowering Secretary.

“I expect you know why we are here.”

“I do not.” To his credit, his voice didn’t waver. 

“We are here, because you caused too much pain to be ignored. We are here, because you really fucked up.”

“I don’t know what you are talking about.”

“We are talking,” Natasha hissed, and stepped very close to his face. “About how you caused one of ours to almost kill himself. The gun was in his hand, cocked and ready to fire. We are talking about, how you caused so many of us to reveal things that caused us some of the most traumatic moments in our lives. We are talking about, how you almost caused our team to fracture in irreparable ways. And that cannot be forgiven.”

“Natasha.” Stephen carefully moved her away from the man, who was sweating profusely, and began to speak.

“Bare this in mind, I do not give a shit about who you are. I assume you don’t know who I am, but understand this. I could end your life in a second, send you hurtling through dimensions you’d rather not know about. I’m sure Dormammu would love the company.But know, that we will not hesitate to make your life a living hell if you ever, ever hurt our teammate like this again.”

This time Loki stepped forward. “And understand, that I’ve been tortured within an inch of my life, and I can do the very same to you. I can make you hurt in ways you can't imagine.” Green magic twined around his fingers, a deadly look in his eyes.

Tony pulled Loki away before said torturing could start. "You hurt my friends, and I will hurt yours. Don't think that I'm a stranger to pain." He tapped his arc reactor, and the suit retracted. "I'm human, just like you, and believe me, I know our breaking points."

Steve spoke last. “And know this. I will personally hunt. You. Down. If you even consider coming near us again. You hurt those I care about, and I will end you. I don't give a fuck about who you are, but you hurt anyone on this team, and so help me, I will kill you.” He smiled, a chilling look that no one had ever seen on Steve's face before. "If the rest of them don't get to you first."

The Secretary sat stunned in his seat, not daring to move.

“That will be all.”

The avengers stalked out of the room, back to the jet, and were just settling in, when Fury called.

“You assholes, I just got a call that you made the Secretary of Defense piss himself.”

“Yeah, well, he screwed up. And we don’t give a shit what the government thinks, so hell with it.”

“Well, I hope you’re ready for the shitstorm that will be Pepper when you get back. She approves of what you did, but the press won’t. Government loyalty and all, they actually like the President this year.”

“Yeah, well, fuck ‘em.”

“That’s the spirit.”

Bucky spoke up. "Jesus Christ you guys, is that where all the pent up anger came out?"

Steve still looked murderous. "He deserves it."

"He really does."

"I agree."

"Me too."

"Fine, but when Pepper kills you all, I'll look on, and make no effort to stop her."

"Traitor."

 

As soon as the plane landed, and everyone stepped out of the plane, Pepper was on the tarmac.

"Good job everyone, well done, but WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?"

"Well..."

"We will have to deal with the backlash from this."

"I'm not sure you will."

"Tony, explain. Right now."

"We threatened him. Slightly. Loki may have threatened torture. I don't think he'll be coming clean to the press anytime soon."

"Well, in that case, bravo!" Pepper gave each of them a hug. "Fury's going to kill you, but it's fine. He's showing up tomorrow, with a recommendation for a therapist."

"Fuck, didn't think he would be this fast about it."

Natasha grinned. "Nope. When I came back from HYDRA, he got me a therapist the day I got back."

"Jesus."

Bucky poked at Steve's arm. "Can we go inside?"

"Sure. Me and Bucky are heading in."

"Kay Cap."

Steve and Bucky were in the elevator, before Steve spoke. "Are you alright?"

Bucky let out a shaky laugh. "I should be asking the same of you."

The elevator dinged, and let them out into their corner of the compound. Walking into their room, they began to strip, out of the combat suits, Steve into shorts and a t-shirt, and Bucky into sweatpants and Steve's huge sweatshirt, and promptly fell on the bed. 

"Can we talk?" Bucky looked up at Steve, who lay down next to him. Bucky curled on Steve's chest, and began.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't want you to be pressured, I had all these memories, of you pulling me away from a fight, helping me when all I could do was cough, and hope to stay alive, helped me when my mom died. I couldn't put all that on you, when you could barely remember that you weren't the Winter Soldier anymore."

"Then why not when I came out of cryo, when Shuri go the last of HYDRA's hooks out of my head?"

"Because you were Bucky again," Steve whispered. "I couldn't bear to let you see how messed up I am. I was scared, that once you saw me like that, you would turn away."

"I would love you no matter how screwed up you are, Stevie." Steve could hear that familiar edge, that Brooklyn accent that only came out when they were alone. "Please, doll, never be worried about that."

Steve kissed the top of Bucky's head. "Then why did you not tell me?"

"I'm the monster, the assassin, the cold hearted murderer. I was never enough. You seemed so perfect, so whole, I couldn't ruin that with my broken pieces. I didn't want to shatter someone else's happiness. "

"I promise Bucky, you will never not be enough. I love you, every broken piece."


	3. the asscrack of dawn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gotta love not having the will to do anything but lie in bed and have mental breakdowns
> 
> sorry this took so fucking long, life's been a bit weird lately.

“Indian.”

“Clint. No.”

“Indian.”

“You picked Chinese last time, it’s my turn, fuck off.”

“Tony, I’m the one who managed to get Fury to postpone the meeting until tomorrow, can we get Indian pleaseeeee.”

“For the record, I want Pad Thai.” Tony turned to glare at Bucky, who hadn’t bothered to turn around, and flipped him off. 

“Can we take a vote?” Bruce wandered in, to witness what he really wasn’t sure he wanted to see. Tony was on Bucky’s back, smacking his arm. Clint was dangling from the cabinet, throwing popcorn at Loki, who had turned into a bird, and was darting around and eating said popcorn, and Thor was vaguely waving his hand towards the bird to get it to stop landing on his head.

“Fine.” Tony jumped down from Bucky’s back and perched on the edge of the couch. “Raise your hand if you want Pad Thai.” Bucky, Steve, Wanda, Loki, Thor, Scott, Sam, and Tony himself raised their hands. “Okay now raise your hand if you want Indian?” Clint, Bruce, Natasha, Rhodey, Stephen, Peter, Vision, and Hope raised their hands. “Are you kidding? We have a fucking tie?” Tony flopped backward on the couch. “FRIDAY, pick something randomly.” 

“It’s Indian, boss.”

“Fuck.”

“Ha!” Clint jumped off the cabinet, to go loom over Tony. “FRIDAY loves me more!”

“It was a fifty-fifty chance, Hawkass. I flipped a virtual coin.”

“Alright who switched my name again?” Clint glared around the room, before landing on Natasha. “Switch. It. Back.”

“Not until you change my name from Mama Spider.”

“No, no, it totally fits.”

“Fuck you, Steve.”

“Okay, FRIDAY, usual orders from the usual place, Clint, back away from Tasha.” Clint was waving a stray arrow at Natasha, who had snatched her taser, and was pointing it directly at Clint.

“Clint, what have I told you about leaving arrows around the tower?” Pepper strolled in and grabbed an apple from the bowl on the counter, that only she and Bruce ever seemed to eat from.

“Only in the weapons caches?”

“Yes, we don’t want some unsuspecting tourist finding one of Hawkeye’s arrows, and getting hurt.”

“Now, what is this about weapons caches?”

Clint leaped into the air and jerked around. “What in the everlasting fuck are you doing here?”

Fury strolled into the room and grabbed a pear from the bowl. “Board got pissy, something about having our greatest heroes and public image needing to be upheld. So considering I like my job, I have the mandated therapist for,” Fury paused and checked his phone. “James Barnes, Steven Rogers, Natasha Romanoff, Loki Odinson, and Wanda Maximoff. You’re supposed to meet her in one of you five’s living rooms. I sent you the notice, you reply with the location and she’ll meet you there at,” He checked his phone again. “At nine o’clock tomorrow morning.”

“I am not waking up at the asscrack of dawn.” Loki looked outraged. 

“Brother, it is nine in the morning. Most of us are up earlier than that.”

“Fuck you, Thor, that doesn’t mean I have to.”

“And yet you do.” Fury stood up. “Now I’ve got to face the board again, and convince them that the public image is safe.” He stalked out of the kitchen and onto the elevator. Tony turned to Pepper, a look of betrayal in his eyes. 

“I thought he wasn’t coming!”

“I thought there was something I forgot to tell you.”

 

Beep. Beep. Beep. 

Beep. Beep. Beep. 

“Steve….” Bucky mumbled, face buried in Steve’s neck.

“Mmm?” 

“Alarm.”

“Mmm.”

Beep. Beep. Beep. 

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Bucky reached over and smacked the alarm off the table.

“What time is it?” Steve glanced around the room blearily.

“Eight, ah,” Bucky yawned. “Forty-five?”

“Shit!” Steve sat straight up, launching Bucky up and over the covers. 

“What?” Bucky glared up at Steve, from where he was sprawled on the bed. 

“We have that therapy thing in our living room in fifteen minutes!”

“Five more minutes.” Bucky rolled over.

“Nope, the others are meeting us here in five minutes.”

“No.”

“You don’t have to get dressed, I’m staying in my pajamas, just get. Out. Of. Bed.” Steve was wearing a sweatshirt and pajama pants, and Bucky was wearing Steve’s long-sleeve, and a pair of Hello Kitty pajama pants, probably stolen from Clint.

“Fine, fine, I’m getting up.” Bucky maneuvered himself into a sitting position and wrapped a blanket around himself. “Let’s go.”

Steve grabbed another blanket, and stumbled into the living room, before collapsing on the couch. Bucky followed, and they lay there in a mess of blankets, when they heard the elevator doors ding, and slide open. 

“Asscrack of dawn. I told you.” Loki and Natasha walked into the small kitchen and poured two large cups of coffee. Loki was wearing dark green pajama bottoms, and a black hoodie, while Natasha wore leggings, and Clint’s hoodie(bright purple). They both fell onto the other couch, nursing the coffee. 

“Has anyone seen Wanda?” Loki mumbled, still too asleep to make much more than that. 

“I’m, I’m here.” Wanda yawned as she shuffled in, draped in a blanket like Steve and Bucky. She too wore black leggings and a red long-sleeve shirt that had an arc reactor logo, given to her by Tony as a joke for Christmas in her stocking. She dropped down next to Loki, and snuggled into his side, reaching out for Natasha’s coffee.

“What time is it?” Bucky stretched out his arm and grabbed Steve’s wrist, where he wore a watch. “Ah, fuck, it’s nine.”

“Think she’ll be like the other therapist that SHIELD made me see, what was his name, like Logan Hawthorne?”

“God I hope not, he was shitty.”

“Who was shitty?” The group craned their necks, only to watch as a youngish woman, probably in her mid-thirties, strolled into the room. “I’m Layla Morrison. Good to know you’ve all woken up,” she noted dryly. She sat down in the remaining chair, a large armchair by what would be the fireplace if it was actually used. 

“So.” She settled herself. “I’m a therapist specifying in traumatic events. As I’m sure you know, I was recommended by SHIELD, which is why you’re all here. Now, I was not the one who assigned this time, so sorry for waking you up so early. However, I do have the rest of the day free, and I have been specifically told to not leave until we make some headway. So this can be a short or a long session. It’s up to you.”

Loki smirked. “I like this one,” not even bothering to whisper.

Layla smirked right back at him. “Oh, you’re all going to be an interesting group, I can tell.” She checked her watch. “So. It’s eight oh five. If you’re lucky, we can get out of here by ten. If you’re not, well,” she opened her laptop. “We have all day.” She stared around the room, gaze landing on each(still half asleep) Avenger. “So, who wants to tell a traumatic story?”


End file.
